Unborn Child Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder

It’s a satire, the kind that hurts. It’s at Furious Seasons and the source Superlative In All Things. I guess I can’t emphasize enough that this is a parody. A joke. A play on the sad fact that kids are being diagnosed with bipolar disorder at younger and younger ages. The disease looks different in kids, and yet the same powerful psychoactive drugs are being used on kids as young as 3. So here’s the satire:

“COLUMBUS, OH. –Jake and Mandi Donaldson were overjoyed when they learned that their dream of building a family would soon be realized. That joy rapidly turned to concern when the fetus began to exhibit bizarre behaviors that kept Mandi Donaldson awake late into the night. Doctors could not explain these episodes, despite numerous ultrasounds and maternal serum testing. The expectant couple finally found answers to their questions when the fetus was diagnosed with Fetal Bipolar Disorder.

“The fetus, who Mandi Donaldson has named Piper, demonstrated extreme mood swings as early as 20 weeks. ‘Sometimes she would just lie there for hours, and other times she just couldn’t be still. She was completely erratic.’ The symptoms worsened as the weeks went by with Piper’s agitation growing progressively stronger. ‘She started kicking me in the kidney over and over again. I knew something was definitely wrong, but I never suspected mental illness. I thought she was just a little shit.’

“Dr. Matthew Pearson, chair of the newly developed Fetal Psychiatry Department at Johns Hopkins, says this type of behavior is characteristic of Fetal Bipolar Disorder. ‘These fetuses are very sick and very difficult to care for. They rapidly cycle between depression and mania, causing extreme distress for their mothers, including heartburn and frequent urge to urinate.'”

Kalea Chapman, Psy.D.

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